Tuesday, March 27, 2012

A letter to Peter Cruddas

Dear Mr Cruddas,
I would really like to meet Mr Cameron. I take note of your comment that £200,000 to £250,000 is enough to buy 'premier league access' and a private dinner at Number 10.

Unfortunately, unlike the captains of industry, Chancellors of the Exchequer and Prime Ministers to whom you usually speak, I have had to work for a living all my life. My parents, though remarkable people, could only ensure I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth.

As you will understand, as I have had to work, the government has already taken well over £250,000 from me in income tax and national insurance over the 28 years of my working life to date. When I spend what is left, it then takes another 20% in VAT. When I drive to work to earn more money, the government takes 75% of what I spend on fuel, in addition to £200/year to put my car on the road, £50 to MoT it, and £20 in insurance premium tax. In case the peasants should revolt, the army is now being trained to drive fuel tankers.

In my leisure time, I enjoy smoking and a pint. The government, represented by Mr Cameron, takes 80% of what I spend on cigarettes, and 70% of what I spend on beer.
When I am at home, the government taxes me roughly 1% of the value of my rented home a year. If I want to heat it, it charges me another 5% on the cost of gas and electricity. Since a previous Conservative government sold the gas and electricity supply companies to multi-national corporations - even though I along with every other taxpayer owned them, and we saw nothing in return - the cost of these staples has gone through the ceiling. If I need to drink water - which falls out of the sky free of charge - I must also pay through the nose.

I consider that I have easily met not just the £250,000, but probably closer to £500,000, which must surely lift me out of 'premier league' and catapult me into, say, Murdochian realms of access. Admittedly, these sums have been for the benefit of the British people and not the Conservative Party, but as successive custodians of the office of Prime Minister have proved largely indistinguishable from each other, I am sure you will not feel that that makes a difference. I therefore look forward to receiving my invitation.

Yours faithfully,

Every working man and woman in the country


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